Bad Juju out...Good Juju in

Have you ever had one of those moments that you felt your whole world turned upside down? It doesn't feel good. It feels anything, but good. It burns like a hot knife being pushed in all the way to your heart. I am going to share something with you. I realize that sharing this could, in fact, be a very bad idea. But, my logic in it is that I can let the bad juju out and let the good juju in. It's my cleansing process. It's my way of helping others who have struggled. It's my way of mourning the death of my marriage.

Landon and I met September of 2005. He told me that it was love at first sight for him. I needed a little bit more convincing than that because my shell, protecting me from love, was a bit thicker than his. It didn't take long though. He had me under his spell in no time.I was the receptionist. He was the toner boy. We fell in love.

He told me he loved me after only two weeks of dating. He had gone on a trip with one of his friends and was telling him the whole time he had found the one. I picked him up at the airport and on the way home he said, "On my trip I realized something, that I love you." Once again, I needed a bit more convincing. I didn't need him to convince me that I loved him. I needed to convince myself that it was okay to know that I loved him back. Before we knew it, we were talking about sharing a life together and started looking at engagement rings.

He proposed to me on June 9, 2006. We didn't want a long engagement. We had made the decision to spend forever with each other so we wanted that life together to start as soon as possible. We scrambled and stressed, but amazingly we were able to put together the most beautiful wedding day I had ever seen in just two and half, short months. We were sealed to each other for time and all eternity at 9:30 am on August 31, 2006. It was the most surreal moment of both of our lives kneeling at that alter. All your fears and anxieties are pushed aside for that one moment. You are in this beautiful temple with all your loved ones gathered around you. You are kneeling across from the person you will have by your side for always. At least that's what we had planned.

A few months before we got married we started house hunting. We searched and searched and were nearly at our wits end when we found the perfect place. It basically yelled at us to take it. We were so excited that we would finally get to spend the night in our house together after all those months, that we decided there was no other place we wanted to stay on our wedding night than our home. We made it ours. We worked our butts off remodeling it and filled it with love and a sweet, little devil, chocolate lab puppy. We felt we were doing a lot of things right. We got married, got a house, got a dog to take the place of the baby I wanted, we went to church every Sunday, we paid our tithing.....But, I think if there is one big regret that both of us have it is that in our first year of marriage, instead of dedicating 100% to each other and our foundation as a couple, we focused on everything else.

One year went by and we were struggling tremendously from the lack of nurturing in our relationship. Year two we scrambled to put into our marriage, the things we should have that first year. Year three we were emotionally exhausted from trying so hard to be what each other needed the other to be. Year four we resented each other for turning each other into people we didn't recognize anymore. We grew apart. Never once did we stop loving each other, but I don't know at what point we fell out of love.

This story so far makes it seem like we had nothing but hardships. That isn't true at all. When the times were good, they were really good. We were each others best friends. We loved camping, four wheeling, mountain biking, hiking, taking Sunday drives after church, staying at home to just veg and watch movies, going on road trips...we just liked being together. We didn't get to spend as much time together as we'd liked because our jobs were always taking more priority. Mistake number two....or perhaps 7 or 8. I know we'd both say there is a big list. One of the things I always loved the most about Landon was his determination and motivation, especially when it came to him wanting to provide for our family. But, we both put so much effort into getting financially ahead that it ultimately pushed us apart.

As both of us came to the conclusion that the "us" we wanted so bad was not what we were going to get, we knew we had to let each other go. It doesn't seem like a good enough excuse does it? That we loved each other, but just couldn't make each other happy enough to want to hold on. We tried so hard to make the other person happy that we made ourselves unhappy. We spent 5 years exhausting our efforts on trying to be what the other person wanted. In turn, we lost who we were individually.

In the end we have not had harsh words or blame on one another. We've just had love, small amounts of sleep and food, and a lot of tears. I don't think there are many couples who could be as civil as we have been through all this. We have leaned on each other because we are the only two people who know how we feel. I think saying that this is the hardest thing either one of us has had to go through is an understatement. When you have to take down all your pictures of happy times, decor off the walls that hold your stories, and pack up the life you had together into boxes, you feel like you are dying inside.Our entire world was turned upside down.Then the moment comes that you have to sign the paper work. It took me 2 1/2 hours of crying and feeling like my heart was going to break right of my chest before I could even open the blue folder. We sat on our couch in our living room, holding each other, staring at the folder that held our end. Then when you actually get the courage to open it and start signing, you see your names. They list one of you as the plaintiff and one as the defendant, like we are fighting against each other. They word it like one person is giving the other the divorce. Then they talk about your marriage like it meant nothing. They list the reasons why the judge should grant us a quicker divorce. It defiles the value of marriage. But, you have to read every word to make sure everything is correct and fair.The reading was hard, but the signing was the worst part. Each time I had to sign my name a stream of tears fell, soiling the paper. I was signing away the one thing I had once been so sure of. I was signing away the last 5 years of my life and the love of my life.

This life is not fair sometimes.Sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes you feel like a failure for not being able to make something work, even though you want it so bad. We didn't fail. We fought for us to the end.

Sweetheart,

Five years ago I married my best friend. I don't regret one second we had together. It's hard to picture my life without you in it. I know we both deserve to be happy and I know we both wish that we could be that together. Thank you for loving me, choosing me as your wife, being my rock when I was weak, being beyond patient....But most of all thank you for trying so hard for me, for us. I will love you always.

Love,
Your wifey