Goodbye Santa

I've successfully made it through all the holidays. I was very nervous about this Christmas. I was wondering how I was going to handle all the changes. I didn't want to have a lapse in my recovery. It was sad at times, but mostly because I remembered how rough this time of year was last year. It was a year ago today that Landon and I separated. It's so crazy how much has changed. I respect the relationship I'm in now so I keep my feelings and thoughts to a minimum, but the truth of the matter is that I do miss him, and that's okay. Saying that doesn't mean that I love my Christopher any less. It simply means that I miss him.

I have grown a lot this year. I have learned a lot about myself and the things I want for my life. I am still trying to figure a few things out, but I think that's how it will always be. The biggest thing that I have learned is that I am a good person. I do deserve to be happy. I've learned that I need to do what's right for me instead of always compromising my happiness for others. Obviously there is some levels of compromising for those you love, but not to the extent that I lose myself.

Chris has taught me a lot about myself without him even knowing he has. He allows me to be me in whatever aspect that may be. He loves me for me. The biggest thing that he has given me has been the hole he filled in my heart. I still have my moments of weakness, but he's always there to pick me up. He loves me so much that I can fill a sting right from his heart to mine. He still gives me butterflies when I see him. He still gives me the smirk that tells me he adores me. He makes me feel alive. It's scary and sometimes overwhelming, but I am learning that love is made to be endured not feared. I had someone tell me recently that when I decide to stop being so afraid of being in love everything will fall into place. And then we will live happily ever after. I'm getting there. I believe the best things in life are worth fighting for. It may seem contradictory considering my life over this year, but love is one of those things worth fighting for.

I had a great Christmas with my family, friends and Chris. We ate lots of good food, hung out with the people we love, and got spoiled rotten. Chris got me a lot of good stuff. He got me some sweaters, boots, leg warmers, perfume, lotion, slippers, a necklace, pearl earrings, a coat and some other fun small things. My Mom and Timmy got me a tall standing jewelry box. I have always wanted one. I love it! I got a triple slow cooker from my Daddio and Audrey. I'm so excited to use it in the new kitchen! :) They also got each of us a Forever Lazy. They are like snuggies, but they are full body pajamas. lol They are blue and so comfy! We look like huge nerds wearing them, but the most ridiculously good looking nerds you've ever seen. ;-) We wore them all weekend. haha Overall, Christmas was a success. I am so grateful for the people in my life. I love getting to spend time with them on the holidays. I hope you all had a great Christmas as well. <3

Much love,
Ash

Let the Holiday festivities begin!

We've got a busy weekend ahead of us. Well, earlier than this weekend because the crazy fun starts tonight! Tonight we're going to see the Bar J Wranglers. If you haven't heard of them or seen them yourself click on the link and check them out. I orginally saw them when I went to Jackson Hole, Wyoming with my grandparents. They travel the world now and do shows all over. They sing, dance, do comedy, stories, and yoddling! They are performing at Roy High tonight. We're going with a group of friends. I can't wait!

The festivities continue into the rest of the weekend. Friday I am going to a friend Christmas Party. We're all helping with a formal dinner and bringing white elephant gifts. We'll just be hanging out and eating all night. Saturday I have a family party on my mom's side. Sunday I have a family party with my step family on my mom's side.

This weekend will be filled with lots of food, friends, family and fun. I love the Holidays! May all of you travel in safety to your destinations and have a very......

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~Leo Buscaglia

I worry about everything. I worry about small, medium and large things. I worry about what clothes I'm going to wear the next day, if people except me, if I'm every going to be a mother.......etc. I worry so much about things that I rarely embrace the full joy of my days like I should. The quote that I used to label this post sums it up.
Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. ~Leo Buscaglia

It's a good reminder to let some of my worry go and enjoy today for what it is.

Music soothes my soul

Some of my favorites these days:

"Turning Page" by Sleeping At Last

"I'm Not Over You" by Gavin Degraw

"If You Ever Come Back" by The Script

"Coming Home" by Diddy - Dirty Money

"If We Ever Meet Again" by Timbaland

"Look Out Below" Holiday Parade

"My Beautiful Rescue" by This Providence

"Who Are You When I'm Not Looking" by Blake Shelton

"Are You Going To Kiss Me Or Not?" by Thompson Square

"Divide Me"  by Kalai

"For The First Time" by The Script

"Nothing" by The Script

Now share some of yours!!!

Ready to say goodbye to 2011

Holy hanna. Christmas is almost here. Where has the time gone??? It's been a crazy year. A big majority of this year will be nice to leave behind while I move into 2012. Even though the first half of 2011 wasn't very kind to me, it did start to look up and I think it's good for me to remember that fact. Here's a quick look back on 2011 for Ashley Remarkable.
-Sadness and heart break (lets skip over this because we all already know the story. If you are feeling left in the dark refer back to Bad juju out....Good juju in)

-Move number one to my bestie, Jackie's, house (I can't thank her and Chaz enough for all they did for me)

-Joined a flash mob group (So much fun! Met some great people)

-Car accident number one (Seriously!)

-More sadness and tough times

-Trip to New York to visit Auntie Moni and Uncle Jim (enjoyed some much needed R&R!)

-Sold Armada (car I wrecked) and refinanced my house to pull out my equity so I could finally get my own place and car.

-Move number two into my very own apartment (lots of tears and gratitude for all those who helped make this possible)

-Fun summer weekends with friends

-Met my sweet Christopher

-Car accident number two

-Bought my car (cried the whole way home)

-Hot days in my apartment with a non working swamp cooler (temps were up to 100 degrees!)

-Lots of cuddling and fun with Chris

-Got a little something for myself (boobies!)

-Long weeks of recovery from surgery (ouch!)

-Car accident number 3 (this time I wasn't in the car. Chris was driving my car and got hit)

-Park City shopping weekend with Chris

-Wendover with Daddio, Audrey and Chris

-Camping with mom, Tim, brothers, Chris, and family friends at Yuba

-Move number three to Seattle, Washington

-Crazy apartment searching resulting in residency in Greenlake

-On the downside.....two months without Chris :(

-On the bright side.....two months exploring a new state!

-Lots and lots of driving with the new job!

-Said goodbye to my Seattle adventure

-Move number four back to Utah (13 1/2 LONG hours by myself! Yuck.)

-Two weeks with no work

-Found a job (love it! Brookview Pain Management )

-Trip to LA for Chris's work (he got to bring me along)

-Lost a friend to a tragic car accident (RIP Abbi Jane Call <3)

-Halloween and Thanksgiving with family

-Black Friday shopping with my mom and Chris (yes, we are crazy)

-Preparation for move number five to the house Chris bought

Now we just wait for Christmas to come. It's going to be a different one this year. Some things are still really hard to face, but I have good things in my life to remind me I am blessed. :)

Much love and gratitude
Remarkable Me

Post Seattle

Well, here I am again, back in Utah. It's bittersweet. I miss Seattle's beauty and the culture of people, but it was nice to come back to somewhere familiar with familiar faces. It was a journey. And I will always know that I gave it a shot. I loved Seattle, but personal circumstances didn't allow the timing to be right for me to be there. Maybe I will make it back there someday.

As for now, I am living in Ogden again. I was lucky enough to get a new job quickly and really like it so far. Now that I have started the job I am going to look into the school stuff and hopefully get my butt back to it.

I'm still with Chris and we are both SO very happy to not have 800 miles in between us anymore! We're just taking things as they come and having fun while doing it. He is currently looking for a home to buy and I am his handy assistant with the find. Our current living situation is a bit crowded so we are looking forward to the day we have some room to ourselves.

Fun news!!! My younger brother, Korey is having a baby! Well, his girlfriend is, but you pick up what I'm laying down. She is due in April. They don't know what it is yet, but one of those cool 3D ultrasounds shows that it is almost 100% a boy. ;-) Whatever it is, I am excited to meet them! This auntie plans on doing some spoiling.

Before I started this job I had about 2 1/2 weeks of no work. It was kind of nice to have some time to relax after all the moving and chaos of trying to find a job. I was able to get some things done that were put off and I was able to see some old friends. Me and one of my best friends, Carlye, and I were able to have a play day at her new house and I was able to finally meet her new baby girl. She's absolutely precious. She makes pretty babies. I forget how much we all need that rejuvination from our long time friends. Hopefully she can squeeze me in again soon.

I'm sure there will plenty more to talk about, but I have got to head out. Stay cool followers.

Much love,
Remarkable me

A penny for your thoughts

I want to hear from all of you. This question is not implying that the flame in my relationship is gone. It's more of a topic interest that I would like to compile information from my followers and turn it into a useful article for others.That's what my writing is all about. I want to provide helpful, useful, inspiring information. Don't worry, I will give credit where credit is deserved. Let me know if you would like to be made anonymous or known.

 The question at hand: What do you do to keep the flame in your relationship?

(A big thanks to all those that follow this blog. You may think I am helping you, but your comments and feedback help me more than you know.)

There's no one like her

She is sometimes a huge pain in the butt. We don't always see eye to eye. Actually, very rarely are we on the same page. We have yelled and cried and yelled some more. We've had moments where we've only talked once a month and other times we've talked every day. She is stubborn and feisty. But, she's always there. She is always the first person I want by my side when I am sad or sick. She loves me unconditionally.She let me have my freedom as a child so I could learn to be strong on my own two feet. She taught me to be courageous and determined. She taught me to never except less than I deserve. She has encouraged me. She has pushed me. She has cheered me on when I was at my highs. And she has held my hand when I've hit my lows. When my heart aches she feels it. When I need to talk she knows it. She has watched me fall in and out of love. She has seen me go through every emotion. We are so different yet so the same. We are both fighters. We are both tough. We have a hard time trusting and loving. But, when we do love, we love with our whole hearts. She isn't perfect, but she never stops trying. She's my best friend. She's my momma. And there's no one like her.

I love you mom.

Love,

Your little princess

 

I am strong.

In no way shape or form am I trying to say that I have it any harder than anyone else on this earth because I know that there are people who have had and are having a lot harder time than I ever have or will. Life is tough. Life has been tough for me, what has seemed to be, always. But, I am strong. I pick myself back up every time I fall and I keep going. I have stayed numb to the hardships, trials and tribulations, pain and suffering, and have stayed strong. At some point the numbness starts to wear off. Then all the feelings you have been harvesting come flushing through all at once. I have fallen, but I am strong. I have a reason to rise.

The Fall

Darkness.

Alone.

Visions.

Flashbacks.

Dreams and hopes.

Broken.

Heart racing.

Sweat forming.

Panic.

Fear.
Pain.

Unbearable pain.

Tears.

Release.

Breakthrough.

Deep breaths.

Heart beat slows.

Reality returns.

It's over.

The Rise

Desire.

Passion.

Bond.

Love.

Quick, but honest.

Growth.

Trust.

Communication.

Dedication.

Determination.

Believe.

Remember old.

Hold onto new.

A team of two.

Happiness.

Years to come.

It's begun.

Remembering 9/11

Where were you on that harrowing day of 9/11?

I was in my sophomore computer class, probably chatting with the people around me instead of doing my work. Then the teacher turned on the TV and announced that the World Trade Center had just been hit by a plane. I got a call from my mom. We sat on the phone in silence for a moment as we watched. Her and my step dad were supposed to be on a plane to New York that day.

 The rest of class we sat and watched the news. It was on every channel. Everyone was confused as to how this plane hit the building. Was it an accident? I don't think the fact that it was a terroist attack really crossed many of our minds. And then the second building was hit.

We all ended up getting let out of school early to home to be with our families. It continued to be shown on every channel. Then the stories of the Pentagon being hit and the plane that crash landed in Pennsylvania joined the news reports. It was surreal. We were under attack.

Two and a half years later I was getting ready to graduate high school. I had a cruise planned with my mom, step dad and a good friend of mine. One of our stops before our cruise was New York. We only had about 10 hours there before we had to head to Puerta Vallarta to board our cruise. We took the red eye there so we spent the first few hours there sleeping off our exhaustion. Then we got up and went to explore the city. We went to the top of the Empire State Building to view one of the most beautiful city scapes I have ever seen. We went to the dock to view the Statue of Liberty. Unfortunately, we ended up missing the ferry out to it by about 15 minutes. Then we went to Ground Zero. Even just the walk to the site made you quiver. There wasn't much left of Ground Zero at that point besides a big hole in the ground and a big fence that went around it. On the fence were before and after pictures, stories and a list of names of those that were lost. It was overwhelming. You walk around the very grounds where so many people lost their lives. I felt sadness, compassion for their familes and anger towards the terroists that have forever left us with fear.

My mom and I stopped to get our pictures taken the fire station across the street from the World Trade Center. I couldn't help but feel the most deep amount of gratitude for those men.They told us how they attended friends and loved ones funerals every weekend for months. You could still see the somberness in their eyes. They truly are modern day heroes that will never be forgotten for their courage and admiration, those that are still with us nor those that were taken.

We stopped at what looked like a mangled sculpture that was right on Ground Zero. In front of the sculpture was a flame lite and a plaque. There was a lady security cop that was standing by the sculpture. She walked over to us and started to tell us about it. The reason it looked mangled is because it had once been in between the Twin Towers and was damaged by the debris in the collisions. The flame was an eternal flame that stayed lite for all the lives lost on that horrific day. She told us how she was working near the grounds on the day of the crash and remembers seeing people holding hands and jumping from the tops of the towers. She said it felt like it was a movie and there was not way it could be reality.

I had a hard time keeping my face dry while we were on the grounds. Even now, I look back at that moment and can't help but feel my eyes fill up with tears. The safety we felt in our country had been compromised. The day to day ease we went throughout our days with was forever changed. We were left with no choice but to fight back by sending loved ones to retaliate. Some are still there fighting the war today. We had lost the fight that day, but we will not lose the war. United we stand.

(In memory of those we lost on 9/11/2001)

9/11 : The Reckoning

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/08/us/sept-11-reckoning/escape.html?_r=1

Lucio Caputo, 78th floor, north tower

At a certain point, around a quarter to 9, there was this big explosion, and the tower was swinging to the left and to the right, and there was a lot of dust all over the place, and the sirens started ringing and the lights went off. I thought there was a big explosion next door, because it was so strong and so close.

So I went out of my office to look what was going on, and I could not see anything, because there was all this dust. There was, like, a very thick fog. But I heard some people crying or screaming, but I could not see them, and I thought that they were on the other side of the floor, where must have been an explosion. I didn’t know what kind of explosion. So I went back to my office, and then decided I should go downstairs. So I took some towels, I took a bottle of mineral water, I took my cellular phone, I took a flashlight and I went down. And on my way out there was a phone call, and it was a friend of mine who was a journalist, who saw the event on CNN and called me and say, “A plane hit the World Trade Center, get out as soon as possible. Run, run.”

So I ran the first 30 floors. There were not too many people, until I arrived at the 50th floor, and there were a lot of people, because there were all these people coming from all the different floors. At the same time there were people, coming down from the top floors, that were terribly hurt. There was one woman who was without any skin. It was like a boiled potato that loses all the skin. She was all raw meat.

9/11 : The Reckoning

Some may call her other things...I call her a legend.

A friend of mine posted a comment by Marilyn Monroe on Facebook. I decided to look up some of her old videos. What a strong willed, fiery, sexy, vivacious, independent woman. She was so beautiful and talented. Yeah sure, she did some scandalous things, but she is human and like she said, "....if they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them."

I love how she didn't care what other people thought of her. She was the author of her story and wasn't going to let anyone else take that role. You go girl!

Marilyn was more than just a pretty face. She was witty and intelligent. I found a few of her fabulous quotes. They made me smile. With the way this year started I needed to be reminded of a few things. For one, my worth. I needed to start over fresh and focus inward on the person that Ashley wanted to be. Like Marilyn says in one of my favorite quotes of hers, "...always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, who will, sweetie?"

Marilyn Monroe

June 1, 1926 - August 4, 1962

http://www.marilyncollector.com/legend/biography.html

Love is my drug

What isn't there to love about love? Yeah, sometimes it leaves you, but it always finds its way back. There are valid reasons for me to choose the dark side and be a cynic. But, I don't like all of that negative energy floating around inside me. I choose love.

I watched a classic romantic movie the other night. It has yours truly, Ryan Gosling, and the beautiful Rachel Adams. Yes, my friends, it's one of the top-notch love stories around, The Notebook. As I watched it, for what was probably the twentieth time, I thought to myself there is something so magical about summer romances and young/new love. There's passion, excitement, adulation, adoration, infatuation, lust, salaciousness.....the list goes on. The pain of falling out of love or losing the love of someone is beyond painful, but it makes it all worth the heartache when you get to feel those feelings of new love all over again. It's like a drug.

 I came across this article about the chemistry of love. http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/3-27-2004-52238.asp It explains how we have a chemical that is released when we are "in love". One is  Phenylethylamine (known as the 'love molecule). It can be released by the touch of a hand or a look. When the heart racing and heavy breathing occurs it is an overdose of this chemical. Sad, but true. The other chemical is oxytoxin, or the 'cuddling' chemical. Like mentioned in the article she says, "This chemical promotes the need to be physically held, have close contact with he mate and makes both the sexes more caring. It can be released simply by a lover’s look, smell or even a fantasy."
And she sums it up very well with this last statement . "So much for the chemistry of infatuation. When infatuation subsides, another chemical takes over, which is responsible for intimate relationships. These chemicals are created by endorphins. They make a relationship steadier, intimate, dependable, warm and a great sharing experience. They do not induce a giddy high, but calmness and stability…hence are the reason why people stay married. The longer they are married, the longer two people stay together, because this chemical is addictive. It is endorphins that trigger grief on a spouse’s death or long separation, those yearnings for togetherness. The two types of attachments can be summed up as follows…adrenaline love is being in love with the idea of being in love. While endorphins, we like loving someone. By Kanika Goswami

I loved how she ended with "we like loving someone". That's how a relationship/marriage should be. It should be based on liking the feeling of loving that person. You can start with the adrenaline love because, lets be honest, the high from that is something we all like to feel. Adrenaline love being similar to how Noah and Allie (Ryan Gosling and Rachel Adams) started their courting. Over time they became each others addictions.

I love the idea of love, the act of love, the feeling of love....I love being in love. Here's to love and the people in our lives that are feeding our addiction.

Remarkable Love

My surprise visitor :)

Chris surprised me and came to visit this last weekend. It was SO nice having him here. I have missed him bunches! We got to have some cuddle time, relax time, and finally got to do some of the touristy things around the city. We went to Pike's Place and got to see the hustle and bustle of the Market. Parking was SUPER expensive, but it was worth getting to see it all. We also stopped by my favorite store, H & M and I did what we ladies like to call "shop til you drop". It's a dangerous store for me. I never find things that I like, but when I go there it's like my personal shopping heaven/hell. It's probably best that the closest one is 15 minutes away and  $14 for parking. haha We also went to see Crazy Stupid Love. Loved it! Ryan Gosling, eat your heart out! Yum! And Steve Carrell is a very funny man. They made a good duo in this movie. I recommend it.

Lots of shops.

We were really there!

All the fresh produce and seafood you could want.

The people. :)

Steep streets and lots of people all over downtown.

Getting ready to watch some True Blood.

Getting all the kisses I could on his last

night with me.

It was a short visit, but I will take what I

can get. He ended up having to leave

at 6 am on Monday to make it back in

time for his brother's wedding. He did

end up making it. :)

Now the wait until my visit in 9 days! Yay!

Bringing the first week to an end

After the hustle of trying to find an apartment, moving in and then starting my job it left us with a day and a half to get to explore the city. We didn't end up making it in time to see Pike's Place before they closed, but he came back for another visit recently and we finally got to go.

It seems that guys forget what to do with their

face when a camera is pointed at them. lol

Still cute. :)

Just got done eating on the dock downtown.

We didn't end up going to the Crab Pot this day,

but we did make it down before Chris had to leave.

It's a popular seafood restaurant on the dock.

They bring out your food and dump it on the table.

Expensive, but worth the experience at least once.

I forget the significance of the boat behind us,

but it was picture worthy. haha

Isn't that just gorgeous!?!

You're supposed to see the city behind, but the

good ol' flash helped to drown the city right out.

Better.

Day before Chris left. :(

Working on finishing our meal at the Crab Pot.

Beginning...Utah...Middle....Idaho and Oregon...New Home....Seattle, Washington

The 13 hour drive begins!

Crossing into Oregon. (my first time)

So excited to be on a road trip with his truly. :0)

Awe

Window cleaning in Oregon at a gas station

we are not allowed to pump our own gas.

Pretty landscape in Oregon.

They have the silliest signs. I felt like I learned so much

from all the random facts. lol

Big, tall trees.

I have that effect on most people.

Whatever is on that map seems

to be making him pretty happy.

We must have been getting close!

The trees started.....and never ended from here.

Welcome to Washington!

Crossed the border in Washington state! Woot!

Please do not judge my terrible photo taking.

This is a crappy pic, but it was the first one I got

as we saw the city for the first time. It was dark

and I was using my point and shoot. It doesn't like

moving and especially moving in the dark in a car.

You come out of a tunnel on the freeway and POP!

There's the city!

First pic of the Space Needle. lol

The flash ended up blinding Chris and

showed up blurry and dark. Oh well.

I can always take another. :)