Just try

Sometimes all you can do is try. Fake it til you make it. I wake up every day and tell myself, "I will be happy today. I can let go of my negativity. I can be grateful for my trials and all that I have lost because of what I have gained. I will be me. I will be strong. I will try."

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter

Ten miles from town
And I just broke down
Spitting out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone
Just trying to get home
To tell you I was wrong, but you already know
Believe me, I won't stop at nothing to see you
So I've started running

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
And I think that all that still matter is love ever after
After all we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

Last time we talked
The night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back
Of my mind
I must have been high
To say you and I weren't meant to be
And just wasting my time
Oh why did I ever doubt you
You know I would die here without you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
And I think that all that still matter is love ever after
After all we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

You and I, right or wrong
There's no other one
After this time spent alone
It's hard to believe
That a man could be so blind
Thinking about the better times
Must've been out of mind
So I'm running back to tell you

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
Without you God knows what I'd do


All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
And I think that all that still matter is love ever after
After all we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

-Daughtry "Life After You"

You......

You don't understand my life
You can't feel my pain
You don't know what it's like
to have nothing left to gain
You can't feel my heart break
You don' t see all the tears
You don't know how hard it was
to stay strong all those years
You don't get why I can't let go
You think I should forget
You think I should look ahead
without feelings of regret
Your situation was not the same
You can't possibly understand
You're incapable of just listening
 and being there to hold my hand
You tell me how I should feel
You think you know what's best
You can't see you're as wrong about me
as all the rest

- From me to all of you

Things that make me think of you

* The smell of Chrome cologne- It was the cologne you wore when we were dating.

* The smell of our laundry soap- I still can't buy the same stuff we used. I cried every time I'd take clothes out of the dryer.

* Sunflower seeds- Remember that time you almost choked on a sunflower seed on the way to St. George?? I have had a bag of sunflower seeds in my desk at work that I haven't been able to touch since we've been apart.

* Sunday drives-This was one of our favorite things to do. We'd get home from church, pack up some snacks and drive around looking at homes we wanted to build someday for our family.

* Maxima's- Your Maxima was our safe haven. Whenever we had a hard time communicating we knew we could jump in the Maxima, park somewhere and be able to have some of our best talks. It was on the list of one of the saddest days when I got in the car accident that totaled her. :-(

* Chocolate labs- Our Mia Mia is our baby. I am so sad for her because I know she doesn't understand why her mommy and daddy aren't together. I know you're taking good care of her. She loves you. I think she's always loved you more than me. I would always have to be the one to punish her. lol

* The furniture and decor in my apartment- Even though my stuff is somewhere new and it should look different, it still feels the same. I see you everywhere I look in my apartment. I have the signs up you gave me. "Always kiss me goodnight", "I love you forever and ever, infinity and beyond",

* Watching any of our numerous tv show- I haven't even wanted to get cable at my apartment in fear that I'd flip through the channels and be able to think of nothing but how you aren't beside me.

* Microwave burritos/Cereal- There were countless times that we'd forfeit making dinner and just throw a burrito in the microwave or make a bowl of cereal so we could spend more time cuddling on the couch.

* Every other song that comes on the radio- If not every song, every other song brings you into my mind. There have been countless times that I've had to ride in silence just so I could make it through a drive without crying.

* Whenever someone mentions Layton- I have avoided going anywhere near our neighborhood. Everything there makes me think of you. Bostons, where you'd get your favorite spicy ravioli meal. Cafe Rio, oh how many times we went there. Blockbuster, they knew us by first name we went there so much. I can't even drive by America First knowing that it's where we've gone to get loans for many of our life's big changes. And the house....I feel my heart break into a million pieces when I drive down our road. Every time I have to drive away from it I feel like I am reliving all the sadness.

* My family- They love you so much. They miss you. You were their son. My mom always knew that she wouldn't have to worry about me because I had the best husband anyone could have to take care of her little girl. Every time my daddy makes me laugh I can't help, but have a tear come to my eye. I always told myself I wanted to find someone who made me laugh as much as my daddy does. That's when I knew you were the right one for me. My brother's love you and look up to you so much. They took the divorce harder than anyone. We were their hope for proving that true love can last and people can stick it out. I'll never forget the look on Kasey's face when he told how sad he was that we weren't going to be together. One of the most important things I wanted in a husband is for my family to love him as much as I did. They did.

* Babies- Of all the things that make my heart hurt this had to be the stinger. All we ever wanted was to be get to the point that we'd be ready to bring a baby into this world. We were logical thinkers. We weren't going to start a family thinking it would fix all our problems. We were finally feeling like we were ready then everything apart. All the thoughts of what our babies would look like was taken away. The night we were going through our storage and I came across the baby clothes I had bought a few years ago when I was so baby hungry. I held them and looked at our broken dreams. I'm not sure I've ever felt so beside myself. I felt like I was mourning a death.

* Pregnant women- You know how excited I was to be a mommy. I can't help, but see pregnant woman and feel a sting of anger towards them for getting their dream. I know I will be a mommy someday, but the thought of not having you there to put your hands on my belly and talk to our sweet angel is an unbearable thought.

* Wedding- The thought of sitting at a wedding listening to them make all those promises to each other and smiling and being happy makes me a little sick to my stomach. It's hard to believe now that things really do last forever.

* The gym- You always wanted me to go to the gym with you just so we could be together even thought we'd never work out together. You felt better just knowing I was there. You have become a gym rat! You worked so hard to make yourself feel better so you could be better for me. You always had me in mind in everything you did.

* Graham crackers and oreos- You have been the only guy that has seen me eat an entire package of graham crackers with milk in one sitting. And I don't think I will ever be able to buy a package of oreos without thinking of you.

* Holidays- We haven't even hit the big holidays yet and already I'm dreading the void I will feel. I don't know how I'm going to be able to wake up on Christmas morning without having you there with me. Our holidays were always so hectic with our four sets of parents we had to run around to. But, there was nothing more important to me than when the time slowed down and we got to have "our" time.

* Being sick- I will let you know what true love is. True love is when your husband will go out and buy tampons for you when your cramps are too bad to move. It's making you soup and buying your favorite popsicles. It's building a contraption to put on our bed so that when I got my foot surgery the blankets wouldn't touch my foot. It's putting the tv in our room so that I wouldn't have to worry about going up and down the stairs when you had to go back to work. It's kissing me and telling me you love me EVERY night before we fell asleep.

* Anytime I have to make a big decision- For the past 5 years I have had a companion by my side to help make all of life's big decisions. I feel lost without you.

* When I open my jewelry box to get a set of earrings and see my wedding ring- I don't think I will ever be able to get rid of my ring. Every time I see if I think of the day you asked me to be your wife. You took me back to the place it all began. It was the toner boy asking the receptionist to spend her forever with him.

* Talking to our friends- Everyone is sad about us. Every time I talk to any of our mutual friends I hear the sadness in their voice. No one ever saw us as the couple that wouldn't make it. They envied us for how happy we always were with each other.

* Park City- I have good and bad memories of Park City. The good memories are our shopping days we'd have after Christmas with your family. Or the times that we'd just drive up there to enjoy some time together. The bad one that I can't shake is the last trip we took before we separated. We could both feel we were falling apart.

* The sound of a fan blowing- You bought me a fan because you knew that I had a hard time sleeping. You may have been afraid that I'd suffocate you in the night because of your snoring and that was the reason you got it. But, you always took such good care of me.

* The smell of spearmint- There will forever be the memory burned into my mind every time I smell spearmint. When we were first dating I thought I was sly on how I would steal kisses from you. I would make you put on your chapstick that smelt like green gum and then tell you that I wanted some. I'd make you kiss me every time you put it on.

* My camera- My camera represents a lot of things about us. It represents the dream you helped me create when I wanted to start my own photography business. It represents capturing our stories. And now it's just a camera. Empty of all pictures.

* Four wheelers- I knew how bad you wanted to get yourself a new dirt bike, but you wanted me to have something that I could have so that we could have something to enjoy together. I loved how we'd pack up and head up the canyon after work to just take a quick ride together. When we took the time to let life slow down and enjoy time together is when we were the happiest together.

* My mountain bike- Our mountain bikes were one of the greatest purchases we ever made. We had so much fun with them that first summer we got them.

* My softball glove- You just gave me my last bag of stuff from the house. The last thing I pulled out of it was my softball glove. I sat in my car and bawled like a little girl. We really did have so much fun together. We were always up for trying to keep things fun. One thing with us is that when we had our good times we had great times.

I know there are going to be many other things that will keep reminding me of you. How could they not? Part of the reason I wanted to move out of state was because every memory hurt too much. But, now when I have a reminder of a time we had together I smile. I am so grateful for the time we had together.

Remember to always to grateful for.......

The trials in my life have not been easy. They have bended me and at some points, broken me. Some have made me weak around the edges, but more of them have made me stronger as a whole. All of my trials have made me think...Remember to be grateful for....

Family- They aren't always right and they aren't always perfect, but they are always there.They love unconditionally.

Friends- They are a second family when your family is too far away. They pick you up when you fall down. They open their homes to you and let you drive their cars. They feed you and make sure you still find a smile through the pain. They love you like family.

Food- When you finally have money back in the bank to buy some groceries you feel like a little kid with their first allowance to spend on a piece of candy.

Transportation- Being a 25 year old without her own means of transportation for 6 months will leave you with nothing but a humbling experience. I will forever be grateful for the day I drove my new car home from the dealership. Bawled like a baby the whole way.

A Job- Working for a company full of people that were supportive in my hard times. Having a job that allows me to be financially stable on my own.

A place to live- After three months of my friend, graciously letting me live in her basement, I got my own place. The day I was moving my stuff in I sat on the floor and cried. It was my first step to getting my independence back. It was a new start, a place to make new memories.

Smiling- I spent a very long time not smiling. My face missed it. I think I was able to avoid most of the frown wrinkles that were forming. ;-)

Laughing- laughing is my heart dancing from the inside out. It's fuels me. And it keeps my abs in good shape. hehe

Love- I am grateful for falling in love once and having the opportunity to do it all over again.

Love,


Remarkable Me

Happiness is a better fit

I just wanted to drop in and let you all know that I am still alive, still going strong, and staying positive. I am humble, grateful, eating, sleeping, most importantly....happy. I promise to write more soon! Stay remarkable! xo