Goodbye Santa

I've successfully made it through all the holidays. I was very nervous about this Christmas. I was wondering how I was going to handle all the changes. I didn't want to have a lapse in my recovery. It was sad at times, but mostly because I remembered how rough this time of year was last year. It was a year ago today that Landon and I separated. It's so crazy how much has changed. I respect the relationship I'm in now so I keep my feelings and thoughts to a minimum, but the truth of the matter is that I do miss him, and that's okay. Saying that doesn't mean that I love my Christopher any less. It simply means that I miss him.

I have grown a lot this year. I have learned a lot about myself and the things I want for my life. I am still trying to figure a few things out, but I think that's how it will always be. The biggest thing that I have learned is that I am a good person. I do deserve to be happy. I've learned that I need to do what's right for me instead of always compromising my happiness for others. Obviously there is some levels of compromising for those you love, but not to the extent that I lose myself.

Chris has taught me a lot about myself without him even knowing he has. He allows me to be me in whatever aspect that may be. He loves me for me. The biggest thing that he has given me has been the hole he filled in my heart. I still have my moments of weakness, but he's always there to pick me up. He loves me so much that I can fill a sting right from his heart to mine. He still gives me butterflies when I see him. He still gives me the smirk that tells me he adores me. He makes me feel alive. It's scary and sometimes overwhelming, but I am learning that love is made to be endured not feared. I had someone tell me recently that when I decide to stop being so afraid of being in love everything will fall into place. And then we will live happily ever after. I'm getting there. I believe the best things in life are worth fighting for. It may seem contradictory considering my life over this year, but love is one of those things worth fighting for.

I had a great Christmas with my family, friends and Chris. We ate lots of good food, hung out with the people we love, and got spoiled rotten. Chris got me a lot of good stuff. He got me some sweaters, boots, leg warmers, perfume, lotion, slippers, a necklace, pearl earrings, a coat and some other fun small things. My Mom and Timmy got me a tall standing jewelry box. I have always wanted one. I love it! I got a triple slow cooker from my Daddio and Audrey. I'm so excited to use it in the new kitchen! :) They also got each of us a Forever Lazy. They are like snuggies, but they are full body pajamas. lol They are blue and so comfy! We look like huge nerds wearing them, but the most ridiculously good looking nerds you've ever seen. ;-) We wore them all weekend. haha Overall, Christmas was a success. I am so grateful for the people in my life. I love getting to spend time with them on the holidays. I hope you all had a great Christmas as well. <3

Much love,
Ash